It’s been a few days since I last posted and didn’t want everyone to think I forgot about them. I’ve been working on setting up my donations page and starting to create meditation journals. I am planning on starting some meditation mini-classes, with tips and tricks to start a meditation practice. Please keep on visiting and share this site with anyone you think may benefit from it. Love you all!!
Kestrel Two Feet
Follow me on my spiritual journey
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Today’s meditation was a difficult one for me. It started out with being angry at my circumstances, which led to blame and regret. I blamed myself for being separated from my adult children. I felt guilty that they were going through there own struggles. I blamed myself for not being closer to aging parents who desperately need my help. It then turned to sobbing. I miss my grandmother who died decades ago. I miss my father-in-law, who died last year. For the first time, I let myself feel those negative emotions. I let myself cry until I felt I had gotten it all out. I would usually try to comfort myself by saying, it’s not my fault, or I’m where I need to be. But this time, I let myself feel everything with no excuses. No trying to push it down or hide it in the shadows. Let myself actually feel the pain. It can be very healing and liberating. I was feeling quite ill earlier today, nausea, headache, fatigue. After today’s meditation (if you can call it that), I feel more energized and my upset stomach has disappeared. This type of reaction happens occasionally during my practice. It can be quite upsetting and uncomfortable. But if you let it happen and ride it out, you will come out lighter on the other side.
During the worst of my practice today, a white moth kept fluttering around me. When I was finished, I looked up the meaning of a white moth. It fit perfectly. White moths can symbolize transformation and spiritual growth. Some say it is a sign that an awakening or leveling up is about to happen. They can also be messengers from past loved ones. This makes sense as well, since I kept seeing visions of family members who have crossed over. Could they have been trying to comfort me? Were they trying to give me a message? Maybe they just wanted me to know that they were still with me. Maybe all three.
My message today is that this isn’t always easy. Don’t give up if you feel you had a setback. Don’t give up if your meditation practice isn’t going the way you want. Because it is probably going the way you need it to go.
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Today was an interesting day. It started out on my morning commute. As I was driving past a field, I saw a coyote in front of me. He ran off a little ways as I approached him. Stopped and looked back at me for several seconds before darting into the nearby woods. I couldn’t help but feel that he was trying to tell me something. Looking up coyote symbolism, I learned that coyotes often show up when taking life too seriously. They are also tricksters and can warn of someone playing games with you. Which is it? I don’t know. It could also have just been a coyote out looking for a meal.
The second part of my interesting day happened during my meditation. I have a little clearing on my land that I like to go to for meditating. It usually remains free of all critters while I am out there. I can hear birds singing and the wind blowing but rarely see anything except the trees and the grass. Today a little red squirrel decided to join me during my time out there and was talking up a storm. He kept eye contact with me for what seemed like several minutes. At the same time I saw a cardinal in the branches of the trees. After doing some more research on these two animals, I learned that they both are associated with the number 12. Squirrels have a 12-week cycle. Cardinals are linked to 12 of anything, whether it’s days, weeks, years, etc. Squirrels warn us to prepare for the future. The cardinal says to listen to your inner feminine voice for health and creativity.
What does this mean for me specifically? My inner voice suggests ideas for products. These products could be profitable. They might allow me to retire from my current job. But the squirrel cautions me to not be hasty. And not take on too much. Start small and slowly build up over time. I guess that is the next step with this blog. Start with one small thing.
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What do I want? This question seems simple but can actually be quite perplexing. What do I want? I want to have all my bills paid. I want to have a nicer home. I want to eat all organic foods and enjoy the tastier selections in the stores. You get the point.
The problem with this question is there are so many possible ways to answer. What do I want out of life? What do I want to achieve? What do I want with my career? What objects do I want? I would buy things because I wanted them. I don’t know why I wanted them. I just wanted them. This has led to debt which I am now chained to. Many items I’ve purchased are now sitting in a dump somewhere, because I didn’t really want them. Cleaning out a home of a loved one who passed was eye-opening. Knick-Knacks that no one wanted. Decades of photographs that no one looked at. There whole life reduced to stuff. This stuff that nobody cared about. Why did we store clutter for years only to dispose of it at the end? Often it is because our world today tells us we must have these things to be happy and successful.
When I first asked myself this open-ended question, I was lost. I had no clue what I wanted. I meditated, journaled, and did other activities to find out what I wanted. I found one trick to help me answer this riddle. The biggest thing to remember is to always ask why? Why do I want this? One thing I presently want is to have solar panels installed. But why, so I won’t have an electric bill. So I can be more environmentally friendly. So I can be a better Druid. Another thing I want is to retire. Why? So I can sleep in. So I can have more time to practice Druidry. So I can take vacations. By asking why, I have avoided making purchases for the wrong reasons and save myself some money. It is starting off small. Why do I want the cookies? Because I’m hungry and they’re full of sugar (which I’m addicted to). Because they will bring me 1 minute of pleasure at the cost of my health long-term. So I don’t buy the cookies.
Last month was a bad month. I spent more money than I wanted to. For July, I’m hoping to cut my purchases in half, if not more. Wish me luck!
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What does it mean to “Go with the Flow”? I keep being told that I need to be flexible. Often times at work, the plan will change as we’re performing the task. But does that mean that I should just do whatever someone tells me and never get upset or frustrated? That is a very difficult ask. How do you allow yourself to adapt while not losing yourself in the process?
During my meditation time today, it came to me. Much like the tall grass moving with the wind, it is more about cooperation than domination. It allows the wind to bend it, but stays anchored to the earth. If someone tells you to change, you should listen and contemplate. Even give it a try. But if it isn’t working for you, don’t keep pushing. Let it fall away. Think more like a tree bending in the wind and not like a leaf being swept away be the current. Be true to yourself and also, be willing to change.
How to apply this concept at my job? Maybe by thinking about the change and why it’s happening. We must understand that we are all human. We don’t always have the answers right away, and need to pivot when a new solution arises. I will try to remember this lesson in the days to come. Bend to the wind, and stay rooted to your true self.
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I have always had problems with racing thoughts. Trying to meditate used to be torture. Recently during a meditation, a mantra came to me “Slow the breath, calm the mind, relax into peace”. I repeat this mantra whenever my thoughts race. My breath instinctively slows down. This causes my mind to let go of thought. My body relaxes in response to the slower breath and calmer mind. I feel peaceful. It has been the key that unlocked meditation for me. If you are having trouble relaxing or find yourself obsessing about things. Try repeating this phrase and see if it helps you as much as it helped me.
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We can answer this question in many ways. We can use our name as our identity. We can use our career as our identity. Or we can even use our hobbies as our identity. I think this is the first question anyone on any journey should ask themselves. So that is where I will start. Today I will try to tackle this age-old question.
This is a hard question to answer, because it is always filled with so many dichotomies. I am a daughter and a mother. I am a scientist and a spiritualist. I am a lover and fighter (aka bitch). And then there is the “I don’t know who I am”. “Who am I?” I am Michelle in the physical world. I am called Kestrel Two Feet in the spiritual world. I was given this name because of my ability to walk two paths at once. One of mainstream and science and one of metaphysical and spiritual. It has also allowed me to see the two sides of an argument. I have always been capable of playing devil’s advocate, much to my mother’s aggravation. This has also left me with an identity crisis. How can I be spiritual when I study science? I tried to find scientific evidence that the spirit is real, and I tried using spirituality to explain science. Both failed. In my career, I learned that I am a unicorn, a vet tech that never wanted to work with pets. I have a rare degree (BS in veterinary technology) and enjoy data review more than caring for the animals. I believe all animals should be treated with love and care. This belief is in direct contrast to the life of a lab animal. I justify it by saying they are saving lives and given the best possible care while in our hands. I even volunteered to be a guinea pig myself to prove to myself that they’re lives aren’t that bad. Looking back, this logic was flawed; I chose to participate, the animals were forced. I have gotten off topic; “Who am I?” I am a middle-aged female trying to figure that out. The truth is, I don’t think I know exactly who I am. If you asked those close to me that question, they would describe my personality. She is a beautiful kind woman. She was a mean strict mother. Coworkers would describe me as a hard-worker and helpful colleague. I guess I am all those things and more. I am discovering that the answer to this question seems simple. Yet, it is much more complex than most can fathom. If you are unsure of what to do or where to go, start with this simple yet complicated question.
Kestrel Two Feet 