Kestrel the Druid

Today’s meditation was a difficult one for me. It started out with being angry at my circumstances, which led to blame and regret. I blamed myself for being separated from my adult children. I felt guilty that they were going through there own struggles. I blamed myself for not being closer to aging parents who desperately need my help. It then turned to sobbing. I miss my grandmother who died decades ago. I miss my father-in-law, who died last year. For the first time, I let myself feel those negative emotions. I let myself cry until I felt I had gotten it all out. I would usually try to comfort myself by saying, it’s not my fault, or I’m where I need to be. But this time, I let myself feel everything with no excuses. No trying to push it down or hide it in the shadows. Let myself actually feel the pain. It can be very healing and liberating. I was feeling quite ill earlier today, nausea, headache, fatigue. After today’s meditation (if you can call it that), I feel more energized and my upset stomach has disappeared. This type of reaction happens occasionally during my practice. It can be quite upsetting and uncomfortable. But if you let it happen and ride it out, you will come out lighter on the other side.

During the worst of my practice today, a white moth kept fluttering around me. When I was finished, I looked up the meaning of a white moth. It fit perfectly. White moths can symbolize transformation and spiritual growth. Some say it is a sign that an awakening or leveling up is about to happen. They can also be messengers from past loved ones. This makes sense as well, since I kept seeing visions of family members who have crossed over. Could they have been trying to comfort me? Were they trying to give me a message? Maybe they just wanted me to know that they were still with me. Maybe all three.

My message today is that this isn’t always easy. Don’t give up if you feel you had a setback. Don’t give up if your meditation practice isn’t going the way you want. Because it is probably going the way you need it to go.