Kestrel Two Feet

The past few weeks have been challenging for me. I have been struggling at work and struggling at home. Relationships have felt distant and things felt impossible. I was able to tackle a few hurdles and hope it will lead to more.

My biggest obstacle is fear. I have been living my whole life doing things (or not doing them) out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of missing out. The first fear to tackle was the fear of upsetting others by speaking. I was afraid if I told someone the truth about how I was feeling, that it would be the end of our relationship. I was afraid of wanting it to end while at the same time, not wanting it to end. I was afraid of asking for what I wanted.

Last week, I was able to overcome my biggest fear, talking! I told him what I was feeling and asked how he felt. We listened to each other. There was a connection that I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was not easy. Some of my fears were confirmed, it was admitted that we had grown apart. There was also a spark of hope. A new commitment was made. A new bond was forged. It will never be the same as before. Maybe that is a good thing. The bond before was based on less substantial values. The new one is based on wanting to know and understand the other person.

It will continue to take work and not letting old fears shape how I communicate. I will work this week toward tackling my next fear. Hopefully it will prove as fruitful as the first one.